Lost Chapters In My Mind: September 2015

Today I am writing a certain "prequel" to my upcoming post. Anyone that has had a complicated relationship with their mother will relate to and maybe have an understanding that your relationship isn't so bad after all! So here's a background to my next post called THE WEEKEND.

In 1988, I became pregnant by a man who informed me after the fact that he was married with children. My family encouraged me to go through with an adoption. My mother even suggested an abortion. I did not believe in abortion for this purpose. Eventually I did decide on a couple for adopting my baby. I was 23. They were a wonderful couple from New York who could give my baby the life she deserved. I was set on this to happen. These people became like friends to me and paid for my expenses. Then the time came in March 1989 when my baby girl was born on a icy St, Patrick's Day. After a day, I was told the people I had chosen to be parents to my baby dropped out of the adoption. I could not comprehend this. The doctors stated that she was born with a heart murmur. As it turns out, the adoptive mother had one that never closed and was the reason she couldn't carry a baby to term. I was living with my paternal grandmother up until the birth. When I phoned her, she said "You cannot bring that baby home!" I had to make a decision. For people in my family, there was no decision to make; nothing had changed. Everything had changed for me. Due to pressure, I left the hospital 3 days later after signing papers terminating my parental rights. Nothing has ever ripped my heart out more than that day. Yet I was expected to move on and find another couple to adopt my baby. I changed lawyers. The baby had a lawyer who had told me in the hospital "just take her home and try her out for awhile!" Really? I took a day or so and then I changed my mind. I realized this was not supposed to happen. The nurse at the hospital stated in the history of the entire hospital, it had never happened. I took this as fate slapping me in the face and begging me to take the chance.

So, I had called my mother just after the birth and she appeared excited for the birth but was still standoffish. Two months later, it was nearly Mother's Day and I decided she couldn't deny me or my daughter if we were standing in front of her. I was wrong.

I showed up on her doorstep and she came to the door stating "I don't want to see you or the baby. You've made your decision and I've made mine. I won't change my mind."

Over the years, I wrote my mother, letting her know where I was and what was going on with my daughter, her granddaughter. I never had a letter returned or acknowledged. 19 years later, my grandmother passed(her mother). I wrote her even more, begging her to realize how short life is and now was the time. Soon she responded and we wrote back and forth quite often. We began talking and by Thanksgiving, we met and she also met her 19 year old granddaughter. It was a wonderful moment I will never forget. That was 2008. In the years since, we've met only for meals in restaurants(due to issues with my stepfather--yet another story). Last year, she mentioned she would like to travel with me to Clear Lake, Iowa where her parents, my grandparents, have a cabin. A place I spent many summers as a child but I had never been with her as an adult. I truly did not think this would happen, but when this year rolled around, I reminded her and assisted in planning it with the hopes she would follow through. She did. In my next post, I will talk about the beautiful weekend of communication, forgiveness and regret. It will sit with me forever, no matter if it never happens again.

Lost Chapters In My Mind

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

TIME and SEASONS